Honeysuckle vs Star of Bethlehem
Star of Bethlehem is for the moment it happened. Honeysuckle is for the years afterwards, when the past keeps getting more of your attention than the present does.
Star of Bethlehem
Shock and grief, whether it happened this morning or years ago
We earn a small commission if you buy through this link, at no extra cost to you. How this works
Why they get muddled
Both belong to loss, and both can be about something that happened a very long time ago, which is why they get muddled. Neither is only for the immediate aftermath. What differs is whether you are frozen at the moment of impact or living slightly behind the present.
The differences
What the feeling is about
Honeysuckle
How things were. The old house, the old job, the years before it changed.
Star of Bethlehem
The moment itself. The call, the scan, the letter, the thing that was said.
How it shows up
Honeysuckle
Photographs, conversations that circle back, homesickness.
Star of Bethlehem
A subject you cannot go near, a date that flattens you every year, a numbness.
What time it lives in
Honeysuckle
The past, warmly. There is real affection in it.
Star of Bethlehem
One point in time, coldly. Not much has moved since.
How the day feels
Honeysuckle
The present is not terrible, it simply does not have your attention.
Star of Bethlehem
Flat. A sense of watching yourself from slightly outside.
Which one to pick
Choose Honeysuckle if
- You catch yourself living alongside somebody who is no longer there
- Conversations keep coming back round to one particular period
- Homesickness, for a place or for a version of your life
Choose Star of Bethlehem if
- There was a moment, and something in you stopped there
- There is a subject you go around rather than through
- One date in the calendar takes you out every year
What if both sound right?
Grief usually needs both, and the grief blend carries them together for exactly that reason. Star of Bethlehem for a shock that never quite thawed, Honeysuckle for the pull back into how things were before it. Taking one does not make the other unnecessary.
Common questions
How old can a shock be and still be Star of Bethlehem?
Any age. Bach made no distinction between this morning and thirty years ago, and the traditional use has always included old shocks that were never really dealt with at the time. They tend to announce themselves as a subject you avoid rather than as a memory you revisit.
Is Honeysuckle just nostalgia?
Nostalgia is the pleasant end of it, and there is nothing wrong with that. The remedy is for the point where the past has taken more of your attention than the present, so the years you are actually living pass with you only half in them. The warmth is real, which is what makes it hard to notice.
Which one for homesickness?
Honeysuckle, which is the traditional choice for it and covers both the literal version and the quieter one, missing a version of your life rather than a place. If leaving involved a shock rather than a move you chose, Star of Bethlehem belongs in the bottle as well.
Keep narrowing
The pairs closest to this one, if neither of these two turns out to be it.
ClematisvsHoneysuckle
Both are somewhere other than here. Clematis has drifted into an imagined future. Honeysuckle is living in a remembered past.
Star of BethlehemvsSweet Chestnut
Star of Bethlehem is numb. Sweet Chestnut is anguished. Both follow something hard, and the difference is whether you can feel it.
MimulusvsRock Rose
Mimulus is for fear you can live alongside. Rock Rose is for the moments fear takes the controls. If your body got there before your mind did, that is Rock Rose.
AspenvsRock Rose
Aspen hums and Rock Rose shouts. If the feeling is a background unease you have been carrying all week, that is Aspen. If it seized you and you are still shaking, that is Rock Rose.
Still not sure?
Read both profiles in full, or start from the feeling and let the quiz narrow it for you.